- keep being strong no matter what

I don’t shut down anymore. I had to feel pain because once I turn it off, I can’t get it back. Before I was left prying open my veins and breaking my bones, drowning in vodka, choking on pills, bleeding out, swallowing cigarettes, going out with boys who rip my heart out of my chest and slam it against the wall and then smile at me like I'm the prettiest thing in the room. It turns out that feeling nothing feels worse than anything else.
Now I feel that it’s okay to cry, I'm not a failure just because I cry. It’s okay to slide down a wall in tears at three in the morning aching and screaming. If I want to sit on my bedroom floor with my head buried in my knees, tears spilling out of my eyes and filling the room up to my waist, I do it. It doesn’t make me weak. I could never be weak. I'm alive and that’s the hardest thing to be. I’m so proud of myself. Always.
I refuse to do anything I'm not comfortable with. I'm not being mean or hurting feelings. If I'm not okay, I leave.I use to hurt myself, I don't do it anymore. If I think I feel shitty now, even if I know I want really bad to get rid of the numbness and the headaches and the shaky hands or the pain, I remember that I'm still here fighting my demons, I can always win. 
I save myself first. I learned that I have to love myself too and feel proud of the person I became.I ended toxic friendships. It doesn’t make me a bad person. I need to be self-preserving for once in my fucking life. I don’t need people dragging me down. I don’t need anybody poising me. I’ve got trough enough pain already.
If I was able to do all this , so can anybody else. It gets better. I know right now you’re on the verge of killing yourself. You’re on the edge and you’re waiting for the fall. But there’s nothing good at the bottom, just a lot of broken bones and blood and sore throats. I know how much you want to die and I know how hard it is to stay but you have to. 
Because one day you’re going to wake up smiling. After all I have been trough, now I wake up every day with a smile, I'm loved and I love myself.  You’re going to fall in love, I did , with a person that makes you feel amazing to be you, and your heart will stay whole. You’re going to travel and swim in the ocean and you’re not going to pray that you drown. You’re going to go for a drive in the middle of the night and feel free instead of hoping you crash.
You’re going to be alright!

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